Monthly Archives: January 2013

Not Fair

As I walked to work after the memorial chapel for the freshman who passed away at Moody this past weekend, my brain chanted its reaction over and over

“It’s not fair. It’s not fair. This shouldn’t be. This isn’t right. This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. It’s just not fair.”

I react this way to a lot of things. Not just to the fact that a family from Minnesota had to say goodbye to their youngest son this weekend, but also to the fact that hundreds of thousands of women and children are sold for sex every single day and Saturday Night Live had the nerve to produce a sketch trivializing that fact into humor. To the friend who had her heart broken after being SO SURE he was the one. To pastors who spiritually abuse their congregants. To the fact that women are asked if they brought rape upon themselves by dressing too provocatively.

These things aren’t fair. They’re not right. They shouldn’t be. Not one of those people deserves the circumstances they have found themselves in. The sheer unfair-ness of them weighs heavy on my heart and keeps me awake at night. I do not seek to trivialize them with this blog post, nor am I beginning to suggest that we should stop fighting against these injustices.

But as I thought about this, I realized something else that is not fair, not right, that shouldn’t be: The fact that I am here, redeemed, and alive. The fact that I deserve only death, but if I died today, I would instantly become more alive than I have ever been.

It’s not fair. It’s not right.

I can’t go one tiny minute without sinning. Sin is in my very being. It courses through my veins, alongside my blood. Every sin pushes me further and further from the God who created me solely to glorify Him; separates me from Him more and more.

Fair would be death. Right would be an eternity in hell.

It wouldn’t be God sending His only Child to die on my behalf. It certainly wouldn’t be “fair” for me to able to live in freedom, under grace, every single day, with the absolute assurance that I will spend eternity with my Savior.

I am redeemed. I am forgiven. Though my sins cover me in a deep crimson, my Savior’s blood has washed me whiter than snow (real snow; the kind we have in Michigan. None of this greyish-brown downtown Chicago sludge nonsense).

It’s not fair. It’s not right. It shouldn’t be. I have done nothing to deserve the freedom I find myself living in. The sheer unfairness of it all makes my heart sing and my spirit soar. It allows me to sleep at night.

The world is not fair.

But praise God, He is not always “fair” either.

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Everything is Going to be Okay

It’s been a while since I’ve written. The problem isn’t that I have nothing to say. The problem, actually, is that I have far too many things to say and no idea how to say them. I have cooked with my 90-year old grandfather, visited the youth ministry where I interned the summer after high school, laughed (way too loudly for the setting we were in) with my closest friends, had 3 friendship-defining conversations, and cried six times… and that was just this past weekend.

I intended to blog a lot over Christmas break, but I didn’t actually do anything I intended to do over Christmas break. I did not blog, or think, or journal, or work through anything. I didn’t go to Urbana. I didn’t Skype anyone. I didn’t do any Pinterest projects. I didn’t cry. Instead I made soup, watched Parenthood and Parks and Rec and The Office, rode to and from Saginaw more times than any sane human ever should, and became best friends with Angél the waiter at the local Mexican restaurant.

I didn’t do anything over break… and that was exactly what I needed. The fall semester left me exhausted in every way. The highs and lows were plentiful and extreme, and there didn’t seem to be any middle ground. There were days I walked with confidence, laughed from my gut, and smiled until I thought my face would break… and there were days I had to force myself to get out of bed, put my hair in a ponytail, and pretend to pay attention in class. I wrestled with friendships, faith, and the things I was learning. Break was a welcome calm in the midst of the existential storm that I’m fairly sure every 20-year-old Bible College student faces to some degree or another.

Then break ended. The tears came almost as soon as my tires hit the gravel at the end of the driveway. I had been back almost a day when I crawled under my blankets and stared at the wall in surrender.

The difference between this semester and last semester, though, is that I will not allow myself to wallow anymore. I am researching, questioning, and conversing. I am forcing myself to be both physically active and cheerful. Those hard conversations I used to ignore? I’ve had 3 in the last 3 days. Earlier today I sent an email to a former Moody student, asking her advice. The beginning of her response said,

“First let me tell you: EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY.”

And you know what?

She’s right.