I’ve tried to blog at least five times today, but I can’t think of the words to say.
I want to talk about how far I’ve come. I want to talk about how I’m finally free, how if I ever got a tattoo it would be of a bird flying out of the cage, because as cheesy as that is, it’s what I’ve become. I want to talk about how grace has moved in and wrecked my life, and it has been messy and sometimes painful but the end result has been so worth it.
I can’t find words to express these things one at a time, neatly, each in their own blog post. I can’t follow the rules of grammar, can’t think of enough funny little quips. I’m listening to “No Reins” by Rascal Flatts, and I wish I had come up with the song first, but I don’t have the words.
If I did, I would talk about how I’ve found the deepest friendships of my life. I’d talk about the way I wore a Sault Area Middle School sweatshirt today, put my hair up, and didn’t wear a spot of makeup… and still felt confident and beautiful because I’ve never felt less judged.
I’d tell you about the way I laugh, loudly, sometimes until half the SDR is staring at our table. I’d write at least one post about my Gospel Community – the family I’ve found here in Chicago who love and accept me with absolutely no questions.
If I had words, I would write about how my life has always been wonderful and overly blessed. I’d explain that nothing was ever terrible; it’s just that grace has become so much more real in the last year; my faith so much more vivid and tangible. It’s like I’ve gone from a normal TV to HD and no one ever told me there was a difference.
I’d talk about how, for the first time in a long time, I’m truly (truly) content being single. How my life is entirely complete, lacking in nothing. I’d probably throw in a mention of the fact that I have absolutely NO IDEA what I’ll be doing after college. No plan, no practical prospects, just a vague idea. And I would definitely mention that I’m actually okay with that.